The internet is starting to annoy me.
Here’s the thing: I’ve learned on my new phone how to sort apps into helpful little folders, which I can keep on my phone’s screen to provide easy access to the stuff I want to see instead of going searching through my apps to find it. I have a news folder, which has tons of news outlet apps in it. I have a media folder, which has stuff like Amazon Kindle (it came free with the phone – I haven’t used it) and the music player and Pandora. And I have a shopping folder, with stuff like Amazon.com and Groupon and LivingSocial.
I want the internet to have folders.
I’m not talking about bookmarks and favorite sites and shortcuts on your start screen. I’m talking about what happens when you search the web for something quite precise and get back an awful lot of really quite imprecise things.
The great thing about the internet in the United States is that it’s basically the vomiting of a capitalist democracy. Everything one could possibly want or need, right there for the asking, at negotiable prices or from whichever provider you choose. Nothing is screened, nothing is filtered or blocked, unless you set a filter to keep your kids from looking at porn, or your workplace sets a filter to keep you from looking at porn. Everything is provided, no judgment, just thrown at you with all the force of the cyber-universe. You even get to pick who tells you what about what’s happening in the world. (I actually find this terribly, terribly dangerous, but it’s the freedom we have in America.)
But it totally sucks when all that heap of stuff gets thrown at you and you have to go searching for a needle in an internet haystack of pages and pages and pages of search results because some smartypants put in a bunch of BS SEO coding to make their site pop up when it is in fact not at all what you want. What I need is a set of folders, so I can search for something and the internet can automatically sort the results into them so I don’t waste my time clicking on something that turns out to be a retail site when I’m looking for a literary reference. A Sorting Hat for my internet searches. Wouldn’t it be nice to have these things?:
The News Folder
Obvious explanation. Not to be confused with…
The Folder For News With Which You Agree
Calibrate it to include Fox News, MSNBC, Drudge, etc.
The Folder For Things That Will Only Annoy You
Featuring stuff like World Net Daily, Gloria Allred’s press conferences, political ads, all other types of ads, as well as a subfolder for News With Which You Disagree, to contain that which is opposite to the Folder For News With Which You Agree.
The People You Like To Mock Folder
Featuring Snooki, Rep. Todd Akin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, etc.
The People You Love To Hate Folder
Ann Coulter’s Twitter feed, Rep. Todd Akin’s website, Kelly Osbourne, Joan Rivers, as well as any racist or elitist proclivities you may personally have.
The Folder For Stuff That Cracks You Up
Texts From Dog, Someecards, Sh*t My Dad Says, Rep. Todd Akin again.
The Folder For How To Do Stuff
Subcategories for home improvement, automotive, rocket science and working your blessed phone.
The Folder For Stuff That Keeps You Alive
Important information on your doctors, medication refill schedules, etc.
The Folder For That Thing You Saw the Other Day That You Can’t Find Now Even Though You’re Using the Exact Same Words In the Search Bar, Dammit
The Folder For Stuff You Actually Want To Waste Time On When You’re Bored
Because nothing is more irritating than searching for something to do online, only to have to sort through thousands of search results, by the end of which time you’ve wasted your boredom just looking for something to soothe it, and now you’re both behind schedule and annoyed.
and perhaps most importantly…
The Folder Containing the Exact Thing You Need, Despite Not Really Knowing How To Word Your Search
So you don’t feel like an idiot. Predictive search, my ass.
Is there something that does these things already and I just don’t know about it?
I’d do a search for it, but…