The Rapture vs. State Emissions Inspection

My car did not pass its emissions inspection. For reasons having precisely zero to do with emissions or environmental unfriendliness. It’s a Honda, people. It gets 32 miles per gallon on a bad day. And it’s not even a hybrid. What problem could there possibly be, here? Well, as the state sees it, the problem is that the Check Engine light is on. The Check Engine light is on because there’s something wrong with the oxygen sensor, which means only that I’m running a bit more fuel-rich than I need. And I’m still getting 32 miles per gallon. But still, the state says that has to be fixed or I don’t pass, which means they suspend my registration, which means I get arrested for driving with a suspended registration and spend some quality time in the pokey.

So I called the folks at my preferred automotive service shop (who are the ones who told me the reason the Check Engine light was on in the first place), and they told me that it would take “at least half a day” to fix this non-problematic problem that they already told me I didn’t need to have fixed.

Which I figure translates to “about half a paycheck” in labor costs. Oh, and also a day without a car.

Here’s what I want to know: If the world is ending Saturday, do I really have to get this done? And wondering that led me to categorize my to-do list.

Things I Absolutely Will Not Do If the World Is Ending Saturday

1. Laundry
2. Clean (I don’t care if cleanliness is next to godliness. Jesus walked around on dirt floors. Know what I’m sayin’?)
3. Fill up gas tank
4. Wash face – use all that anti-aging crap (Apparently psychic medium Sylvia Brown is right: we do all look like we’re about 33 in heaven)
5. Drop $150 on cut and highlight
6. Make bed
7. Learn tricky few measures on Faure’ piece (already know plenty of classical stuff to sing with the cherubim and seraphim)
8. Buy more flowering plants (btw: Jesus, could you have a chat with Mother Nature while you’re packing for your visit? We’re on day six of rain after I water the plants and day six of no sun, which I can’t produce. Who peed in her Wheaties? Was it Father Time again? He’s such a jerk.)

Things I Really Have To Do If the World Is Ending On Saturday

1. Bathe
2. Brush teeth (furry teeth and bad breath at the pearly gates? Not a good first impression.)
3.  Lose at least five pounds to get back to pre-apocalyptic weight (must be thinner than high school nemesis in case we run into each other)
4. Hide liquor
5. Shave
6. Call mom
7. Then hide liquor (wine’s okay)
8. Seek forgiveness for all transgressions
9.  Read Bible
10. Empty fridge

Things I Probably Should Do, Just In Case

1. Avoid physical pleasure
2. Tell truth, all times
3. Resist urge to roll eyes while on phone with mom (Commandment #4)
4. Avoid voting – wrong candidate could have serious repercussions this time
5. Render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar’s (pay bills – haha)
6. Call financial advisor – cut losses if market opens Monday?
7. Be nice to everybody
8. Drive at speed limit

Does anybody know the next Rapture date if this one is a hoax? I have til September 21st to get the damned car fixed.

I mean darned.

"All this smog! Gabriel can barely get a breath to blow the horn!"


4 thoughts on “The Rapture vs. State Emissions Inspection

  1. Well, apparently, there’s no need to do or not do anything. It’s past midnight here in Arizona and all’s well. Harold Camping will have to go back to his spiritual slide rule and revise his calculations again. Did you know he’s a former Civil Engineer? Even among engineers, they are the lowest rung … so where does he stand as a biblical expert?

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