The US attorney’s office has now levied felony accusations against former presidential candidate John Edwards.
I believe the official charge is Being the Worst Man in the World.
Technically, it’s to do with the fact that two donors gave hundreds of thousands of dollars, which was used to keep his affair with campaign videographer and all-around crazypants Reielle Hunter a secret. Prosecutors have decided that the money should have been reported by Edwards’ campaign fund because it helped him in his run for presidential office.
Honestly, so many brilliant men are such complete idiots.
I’m not going to say for sure that the money should have been considered a campaign donation, which is what the US attorney’s office is arguing. I’m pretty wonky, and I can see how they’ll make their case, but I don’t know if it’ll fly legally. But the court of public opinion will convict this guy five minutes ago. You can’t be diddling a nutjob photographer while your wife slowly dies of cancer while you run for president and not expect that to come back around on you.
I read “Game Change.” Apparently one of Edwards’ aides actually claimed he was the one who had the affair with Hunter, got her pregnant, and then… wait for it… told his own wife and kids, and then moved in with Hunter to make it look more convincing.
I think he got paid to do it; I don’t remember.
He’s Second Worst Man in the World.
Of course, the tyke is Edwards’ baby, which he copped to when she was about two. His wife, Elizabeth (who everybody loved, but who, according to Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, was an evil raving bitch on wheels) died of cancer in December.
There have been several other public men who have been challenging John Edwards for the title of Worst Man in the World of late. Some of them, admittedly, are a little old-school… like Newt Gingrich, who resigned his post as Speaker of the House amid an ethics investigation in the late ’90s and dipped his pen in some extramarital ink more than once, and is now on wife #3, after having President Clinton impeached for getting BJs in the hallway outside the Oval Office from an intern and lying about it.
Who wouldn’t lie about that?
It’s not the debate over whether Pres. Clinton was being a dirtball that’s salient here; it’s the hypocrisy of Gingrich’s high and mighty stone throwing while living in a glass house. This is a man who apparently had to buy so much apology jewelry, he once owed Tiffany’s half a million dollars.
And he wants to chastize Congress for overspending?
Even Kobe Bryant’s like, “Dayum, son!”
But now he’s converted to Catholicism (I’m Catholic; I find it funny that he thinks that’ll save him now that he’s on wife #3) and running for president.
Apparently, he believes the GOP has forgiven him for his transgressions, but he’s still talking about the government shutdown of ’95 over the budget like the Democrats of the day committed the worst offense in American history.
Then there’s our friend Arnold Schwarzenegger. Dude. Do not. Mess. With the Kennedys. The ghost of Joe Sr. will be so far up your ass, people will see his face every time you open your mouth. I was inclined to give Arnie a break for a long time; it must be hard to marry into that family. I’m half Irish, and my people are not world-famous and powerful, and I know how overbearing we can be. Also, we’re loud. Maria’s parents, Eunice and Sargent Shriver, were good people. Very good people. The Peace Corps? Special Olympics? That’s a tough act to follow. And you’re a Republican. I know, it’s tough.
But schtupping the manly maid and fathering a child with her that you kept a secret until a couple weeks ago is a particularly idiotic tactic.
Don’t get me wrong; I see the irony. The Kennedy men are not exactly known for being faithful. Even Bobby got caught with his hand in Jackie’s pants after Pres. Kennedy died. (It’s true.) But you were born in Austria, you’re huge, and you’re a Republican. You’re not going to get away with that crap.
Maria’s gonna have your hide, bub. You may be He-Man, Master of the Universe, but she’s Skeletor. She’s got your number.
And she’s friends with Oprah.
Game. So. Over.
Now we’ve got Congressman Anthony Weiner and his wiener. (Oh, come on, it can’t be helped.) Both of whom, it seems, lean hard to the left. I’m not inclined to think that a guy who may or may not have taken pictures of his member of Congress and sent one via twitpic to a 21-year-old college student is one of the Worst Men In the World, but he’s definitely an idiot. I don’t care if you take pictures of your Chief of Staff. I honest to God don’t. Everybody’s got a little kinky in them. But dude. You have got to be careful which buttons you push after you take the pictures.
And PS: your “I can’t say with certitude whether it’s me or not in the picture” is not. Helping.
How do you not have 427 advisors telling you that?
Rep. Weiner’s mistake was being cantankerous with the press and calling one reporter a jackass. Now he’s on a national apology tour with the media, weakly claiming his Twitter account was hacked while apparently at least half-hoping the country believes the substantial junk in the picture is his.
I can excuse typical. It’s dumb, but it’s not Worst Man in the World material. That requires atypical, exceptional ego, tactlessness and guile.
John Edwards, you’ve got my vote.
Featured image from scrapetv.com