I caught Barry Manilow on Piers Morgan last night.
At least, I think it was Barry Manilow. Either him, or Howdy Doody has learned to play piano.
Barry Manilow may write the songs that make the whole world sing, but he’s had surgical procedures that make the young girls cry. I didn’t have the volume up; I’m not sure if that made the show more or less frightening. At one point, he got excited about something and opened his eyes really wide, and my heart stopped.
Oh, Barry. What happened? You now represent a cadre of men who have decided that it’s a good idea to go under the knife. Why have none of you recognized that men never look good after they have plastic surgery? Most women look a little odd, though some can pull it off if it’s understated and they’ve already got good genes. Men just look terrifying.
There’s poor Smokey Robinson, who can’t blink anymore…
There’s Mickey Rourke, who can only play fighters now because he looks like he got hit in the face…
There was Michael Jackson… need I say more?
Kenny Rogers had to have been the worst call – the guy was so ruggedly perfect looking for his gig, and then he got bad advice from his friend Dolly Parton…
So why, Barry? Why didn’t you look at these guys, almost all from your generation, and say, “Um… nah.”?
You know what I find really kind of hilarious about it? He’s never had his nose done. I did actually hear a clip from the Piers Morgan interview and he was talking about how he would never even consider having his nose done.
(Of course, when I heard that, I immediately started singing the bastardized version of “Copacabana:”
Got a nose shaped
Like a banana
My nostrils both live in Montana
Got a nose shaped
Like a banaaaaanaaa–
Off my nose, you can see half of the city of Atlanta…)
Look. I know it’s tempting. You’re adored by millions, you want to hang on to that youthful appearance that made you beloved… you’re stupid rich… and you think you can buy a fountain of youth. But you come out – always – looking like someone took a floor waxer to your face.
I don’t want to get old. I don’t want to look old. I’m already in the mirror every night and every morning with the anti-aging creams and cleansers. And you know, there are some plastic surgeries that maybe I would endorse… like a little lipo here and there. But can’t we all agree that no one looks normal after they have their eyes done?
The only guy I can think of who’s had work done and manages to still look semi-normal is Paul McCartney.
Then again, Paul McCartney may have been killed in a car accident in 1966 and that could be that chap William Campbell on his third round of plastics. In which case, I say well done, Doc.
I personally like a man with a little age to him. Women always say it: we look haggard as we get older, and most men develop faces of distinguished experience. I find it sexy. If I have to pick between Rob Lowe and the showing-his-years George Clooney, I’m going Clooney every time. (I’m aware that this is not really a terrible choice.) Rugged and weathered beats pretty and preserved every time. Don’t mess with what God gave you. You will not win. I’d rather see some laugh lines, some crow’s feet, some furrowed brow. Close up, that tells me your story so much better.
Because, Barry, the thing about lines is, you can’t smile without them.