How To Kill Yourself While, Ironically, Trying To Improve Your Health

There are so many super-cool, trendy ways to get a workout these days. Newest one to enter my awareness spectrum: TRX group suspension training.

What. The hell. Y’all.

One of my (very brave) friends at work took a class the other day. Naturally, now her Everything hurts and she’s having trouble using the bathroom without injury. She sent me a short video so I could see what this workout is.

I was six seconds in when I decided I would probably:
A) accidentally hang myself;
2) lose my grip on a strap, fling it across the way and smack someone else in the face with it, costing them an eye, then stand there agog as the strap rocketed back toward me and hit me in the back of the head, knocking me over;
Third) let the strap go slack at exactly the wrong time and fall down.

It struck me as I watched further that this looks a lot like the rings event in a gymnastics competition, only most of the time you’re in some variation of a standing position. Note: that allowance would not make me any less likely to badly, badly hurt myself or others.

The coworker who did this just lunged by my desk, trying to stretch out her legs.

Last week, she took a Zumba class. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically Latin dancing to work off calories. Fun, right? She had a good time, but she lamented that she can’t do classes like these because she’s always at least one step or instruction behind everyone else and therefore going left when everyone else is going right, back to their forth, down to their up, etc. I can empathize. I suggested she have a drink before the next class, as, if she is anything like me, she’s a total white girl when sober, but she can cut a rug with the best of them with a nip o’ grog.

I personally have often wished I could take a fitness class instead of slavishly trying not to fling myself off the back of a treadmill (two sisters and a mother have done it – it’s genetically predetermined to happen to me at some point) or hit myself in the face with an arm pole from a cross-trainer. Clearly my gazelle-like grace is more oriented toward an activity requiring coordination and group-togetherness. But my gym never offers (who am I kidding… offered… past-tense) a class at a time I could attend. And when I see the kind of stuff they’re doing these days, I have to wonder: whatever happened to plain old aerobics? Step class? Olivia Newton-John in legwarmers, gently sweating?

What? That wasn’t about exercise?

Why was she wearing legwarmers? And a leotard?

Okay, what about jogging? Or is it yogging? “It may be a soft J, I’m not sure. But apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s supposed to be wild.”

(I ripped that from Anchorman.)

Nah, screw yogging. I’ve never yogged with any kind of commitment. Two miles, max. In climate-control on a treadmill. That’s it. I can’t yog. I run when someone is chasing me with a weapon. End scene.

Step class it is.

Step 1: rejoin gym.

(“Gime? What’s a gime?” The Simpsons.)


28 thoughts on “How To Kill Yourself While, Ironically, Trying To Improve Your Health

  1. LOL… I’ve done it all.. Palaties (spell check there), Yoga, Step class, Areobics, Zumba…. I feel your pain as I’m not the most graceful person in any of these

    • Another reason I don’t have kids. No younger, better people to mock me at any given time. Also I don’t have a Wii, and I’m fairly sure that if I tried any of the exercise or sports things on one, I would throw and/or whack myself with the controller.

      • It was incredibly difficult for me and I wasn’t even holding the damn controller. I need the 80s version and probably a half bottle of wine and I’d be en fuego!

  2. check this one out – – similar to the TRX thing, but mixed with synchronized… anything… and the potential to dropkick your adversary (aka, the not-in-synch woman next ot you) as you hurtle in a circle. A ton of fun, even being as graceful as I am (somewhere between three legged giraffe and blind-donkey-on-a-unicycle). I love taking fitness classes, apart from having to focus on not running into anyone. Definitely a more fun version of exercise than training for the zombie apocalypse 🙂

  3. I waterjog in the pool each morning (in the dark – can’t be seen in daylight in a swimsuit). I get in the water, about chest deep, and jog laps back and forth and watch the sunrise. When I walk with someone on land, it seems so easy without the resistance of the water. I enjoy it, I cannot do any of the organized cha-cha, turn, step, dip kind of stuff. I used to do step aerobics, it is a good workout.

    • Water resistance is such a great fitness tool! Easy on the joints, gently challenging to the muscles, and soothing, to boot. And it’s so much better when you can watch something beautiful happen while you do it. That sounds like a perfect workout to me!

      • Only thing that would make it better would be to share with a friend or loved one…I go alone (my husband likes to sleep in) and everyone else is swimming, so no talking. Some days that is good – but I’ve enjoyed walking & chatting with a partner…

    • People who love to work out are insane. Even when I did it five days a week I never had the alleged endorphins. I always wanted to eat a vat of mac & cheese and take a nap afterward. Without fail. (But I did feel better when I was working out more.)

  4. I think you’re onto something big here. The latest fitness craze is not Zumba, not TRX, not even yogging. It’s…The Mugger Method. Get the greatest cardio workout of your life while trying to outrun our specially trained Fitness Coach/Purse Relievers in a lovely park setting.

    • Just saw this comment for some reason. Yes, fight crime while fighting fat! Burn calories and rubber on your shoe soles! Highly-specialized and targeted training gives you motivation to work through the pain!

  5. I trust the other people’s straps even less than my own. They’re awfully close together. If your own strap breaks or you let go of it, it’s probably gonna hit someone else and you’ll be safe.

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