A Random Assemblage of Thoughts That Form No Real, Cohesive Post

So, I’ve been absent for like a week and a half. I sort of didn’t realize it. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without posting, and I’m sure you were all desperately worried about my well-being. You might understand when I tell you that sometimes life falls down on your head, pisses you off, makes you buy a big bottle of vodka and convinces you that you don’t have enough material on any one idea to write any one full blog post. Or that you don’t have enough time. So here are a few thoughts that have crossed my mind, made me think, “I should post about that,” and then promptly been discarded for use in a later compliation post. Apparently.

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Newt Gingrich is (finally) no longer running for president. His 23-minute resignation speech was, as we’ve come to expect, almost completely graceless and still delightfully sanctimonious. He thanked his mother-in-law, saying she wasn’t usually with them but watched faithfully online and often didn’t understand what was happening. Which was kind of adorable and kind of just really weird and a little insulting. Callista just blinked and nodded, as programmed. He apologized for to the voters of South Carolina, who handed him a primary win, for breaking their tradition of picking the eventual nominee. He quoted a congressman from Oklahoma who said: “Newt is liberated to do what he does best: adapt conservative views and values to the challenges of the 21st century. In some ways his best days may be ahead of him.”

I think that might be a threat.

PS Ron Paul is still running. And Gary Johnson is now the Libertarian Party’s nominee.

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A lawyer for uber-wealthy and reclusive philanthropist and apparent babydaddy-avoidance-funder Rachel “Bunny” Mellon testified in court Friday that Mellon had told him she was impressed with 2008 presidential candidate John Edwards and thought “he would make a fine president, reminiscent of her good friend John F. Kennedy.” Wowza. Bet she never realized how right she’d be. PS – a little math shows that the eleventy-two year old heiress was 52 when JFK was assassinated 49 years ago.

Bunny’s interior designer, to whom she wrote the $750,000 in checks for use by Edwards’ people, and who signed them over to former campaign aide Andrew Young, testified that he was also Mellon’s “evening friend” – someone she calls for a chat before bed.

I now think some of these people are living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel.

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Did you know there’s a website called theofficialbellybuttonforum.com? Yeah. This is almost as surprising a realization as my continuing education on how many people search the internet for photos of tarpon and wind up on my blog. I can’t imagine how many people search for photos of tarpon and don’t click on my blog post. Anyway. Theofficialbellybuttonforum.com recently reposted my musings on my belly button piercing. Along with the repost, they quoted some of their favorite lines and commented on them. I don’t think they were being critical. I have no idea how many readers theofficialbellybuttonforum.com has… and I don’t think I want to… but I’m really, really glad I never post personal photos on my blog. Also, I feel the need to bathe.

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I’ve been looking for a job for a while, though I’m still employed. I know, it’s like tempting fate in this economy, but the job I have now is kind of like fiddling on the Titanic while my fellow band members continually try to light my bow on fire. Often on my Japanese game show-like commute, I pass several sign spinners. You know. The guys who toss giant cardboard arrows into the air all twirly-like, trying to get you to pay attention to the fact that there’s an apartment building with vacancies just down the road. I find myself hypnotized by these guys and their talents. I’m weird, right? I mean what’s so awesome about throwing a sign up in the air and then catching it? Besides the fact that they do it for hours in the sun and sometimes very hot conditions. But still I love watching it. I kind of want to be them. The other day I saw one of these guys drop his sign. Ohhhh, I felt so bad for him. I actually groaned aloud in empathy. I wanted to tell him nobody saw it but me. I wanted to spare him some sort of projected humiliation I assumed he’d feel for his failure. I wanted to give him a hug.

I think I have a problem.

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Remember I told you about the legislation I worked on with a state senator and his chief of staff? Well what I didn’t tell you was that I might have sort of kind of fallen slightly in like with said chief of staff. I couldn’t help it. The day I testified to the senate committee in favor of our bill, I was a train wreck of nerves and anxiety pretending to be a completely composed, dignified and serene woman in a pencil skirt, dress shirt and heels. I had walked, like, a year from my parking spot, with my skirt spinning around my hips because I’d dropped 10 pounds in four weeks from my mysterious and undiagnosed gastric complaint, and because the skirt was sitting so low, my shirt wouldn’t stay tucked in. So when I finally schlepped my way into the office building, I headed for a ground-floor bathroom so I could fix my bedraggled self. I safety-pinned my shirt into my skirt so that my skirt would stay in place and my shirt would stay tucked in. I was like one of those paper dolls we folded outfits onto when we were kids. Gah. Miraculously, I did not have sweat-stains under my arms. I still can’t figure out how I was spared that particular humiliation. Other than I drove the whole way with my elbows sticking out to keep the air circulating.

Anyway, then I hoofed it up to the fourth floor and down the hall to the senator’s office. I’d never met him or his chief of staff, though I’d been talking with the latter fellow for months on the phone and over email. As I walked, a really, really attractive guy came confidently striding out of an office, chowing down on a double-chocolate chip cookie (hell yes, I recognized it on spec). We nodded greetings at each other and I walked into the appropriate office, which I found to be empty. Seconds later, as I debated how to behave, the guy walked back in, looked at me, said my name with a question mark on the end of it, and we established that he was not the Philip Seymour Hoffman-esque character I’d expected to be the senator’s chief of staff.

Less like this..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…More like THIS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, screw. This is going to be awkward, now. This is going to be a Thing, because I’m all nervous and secretly vulnerable and now I find you attractive and I can’t flirt because the whole reason I’m in your office is that I had a stalker and that would just look bad, and plus we’re trying to crusade for victims’ rights and you’re the only one who stepped up to get it done which sort of makes you my hero, and our love will have to wait until we’re done with that, which is suddenly kind of annoying.

I swear, it was like a freaking episode of The West Wing.

We recently became Facebook friends. He appeared to have a girlfriend as recently as Easter Sunday, but then all of a sudden, all evidence of her was gone. The other day, he told me he’s looking for a job, too, and he hates it because it’s like dating: “they just don’t work for me.”

Dude. You are ruining my Sorkin-like narrative.

I think I have a problem.

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Perhaps not coincidentally…  I’ve been looking for a therapist lately. See, a few years ago I started having what seemed to be daily and hours-long heart attacks, but turned out to be panic/anxiety attacks instead. Which sucks because they last way longer than heart attacks and can happen every day and still not kill you. Anyway. Those have come back lately, and as much as I hate it, it probably means I’m going to have to get some meds. But of course, my insurance has changed since last time. Hence the calling of the therapists, none of whom I know, all of whom are random stabs at the map provided by my insurance carrier. How much do I love the irony of mental health insurance carriers making it difficult to find treatment? People: I’m already nearly cuckoo. Why are you making this so hard? It’s like you do it on purpose just for giggles.

 One doc no longer takes insurance, another no longer takes my insurance, and a third said their first available appointment is in July.

July. I could be full-on bats!%t by July.

You have been warned.

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24 thoughts on “A Random Assemblage of Thoughts That Form No Real, Cohesive Post

  1. Love the West Wing story and yes you’re right, stalking him now would be awkward. What till you get the bill passed.
    AND did you read that Edwards asked Bunny Mellon for $3 mil to “restart his life”. What an ass.

    • Stalking is no joke to me. I might or might not check them out on Facebook to whatever degree their information is available. Possibly. The bill never made it out of committee due to political BS, but we managed to get the purpose of the bill done without legislation, so there’s nothing in the way now. Except the fact that dating doesn’t work for him. Like job-hunting. And YES, I DID see that Edwards asked Mellon for $3M. Honestly, this guy is more mentally ill than me.

  2. Finding the right therapist is like finding the right gynecologist – you don’t want just anyone poking around in there. Too bad the insurance companies don’t get that.

  3. Love the way your mind works! It’s like therapy for those of us that think we are crazy and then we realize we aren’t alone in this world! LOL Love it….short attention span blogging!

    • Thanks! But to be fair: it usually doesn’t work like this.
      That’s a lie. It totally works like this, but usually my posts are more cohesive. 800 – 1500 words on a single subject. Inside my head? Wayyyyy less reliable.

  4. This is how my mind works too. Most days I’m grateful to get a blog post together that makes some type of sense. It’s like my mind is multi-tasking. 🙂

    Ironic about the Sentato’s COS. But who knows, maybe someday……it wouldn’t be the first romance that involved irony.

  5. This actually wasn’t a post, its was a series of random comments on your older posts. Here are some random thoughts in return. How fascinating to find that you’re featured on a site that posts interviews with Meow and Navelicious. That sort of throws a monkey wrench in the mental image I’ve been building of you after reading your posts for (how long?). On the subject of sign spinning, it is a standard technique to drop the sign now and then to catch the eye. All the best do it. Sorry about the panic attacks … you probably remember that I’ve been known to have them, too. But I haven’t had a glimmer of one since I’ve been on Celexa (I tapered down to half the original dose because it gave me the shakes. Now I don’t shake but I still seem drowsy. That could be because I’m old, though.) I’m lucky … I’ve had the same therapist for 20 years. When I see her, I don’t have to say anything she know me so well. Seriously, good luck finding one, I’m a doctor and my comments section is always open. Of course, I’m a doctor of electrical engineering.

    • Dear Dr. Bud:
      I guess you’re right that most of the topics pur forth in this post pertain to older posts, but I promise it wasn’t a bid for retroactive self-promotion. It was just all I had at the time. I envy you your successful (?) and uninterrupted-by-insurance-changes relationship with your therapist… I really liked the one I had, but now I’m looking forward to a chance to get someone who challenges me a little more. Of course, it’s entirely possible that the last guy figured I’d implode if he did that. PS – I don’t know if you’re the only one who checked out the illustrious and likely-highly-awarded belly button website, but I’m not the slightest bit surprised that you did. What does that say about the image I’ve been building of YOU for the last 14 months? 😉 (Just kidding.)

  6. I enjoyed this post very much! I’m all about the random collections of stuff, because sometimes you just need to write about things even if they don’t belong in any particular format.

  7. Hi! I found your blog by typing “random assemblage of thoughts that form no real, cohesive post” in my search engine. So…thanks. Just what I needed.

  8. Hi, Single Cell. Just wanted to pass along that your proposed WordPress button is one of the finalists for the Question of the Week, in case your in the mood for some slander, self-promotion and negative campaigning!

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