Awe-Inspiring. Not In A Good Way.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Self, how much stupidity can one fit into three sentences?”

I think I have the answer. Check out what a congressman said when an interviewer asked him whether abortion should be legal if a woman’s pregnancy was caused by rape.

“It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something.”

~Rep. Todd Akin
(R) Missouri 2nd District

Wwwwwwow.

I don’t…

I don’t even…

I can’t…

Sigh.

Okay.

Okay, here I go.

The first time I read this quote, I was outraged. Well, alright, first I had a fit of apoplexy. Then I was outraged. Then I re-read it a few times to make sure I didn’t misunderstand because, I mean, obviously this is a completely fantastical thing to say, so there’s no way that a member of the US House of Representatives could actually say it, right? And then I saw the interview clip (because I went looking for it) and there it was, right there in color on my computer. He really said it. Those words. In that order. Aloud. On television. Not taken even a teensy bit out of context, though possibly in the form of two sentences rather than three, depending on how it’s punctuated.

By the way, this guy? This guy is a six-term congressman in the House, currently serving as a lawmaker on Capitol Hill, and presently leading polls to unseat Senator Claire McCaskill for an office on the other side of the big white building that’s not the White House or the Treasury Department or – thank God – the Supreme Court.

And I’m putting aside his actual answer about whether abortion should be legal in cases of rape, because that’s not even the point in the situation we have here.

“From doctors?” What the hell doctors are you talking to? Dr. Seuss knows that’s the most ridiculous thing anybody has ever said out loud. Dr. Dre knows it’s asinine. Dr. Pepper knows you’re a moron. You’re, like, 23 flavors of moron. You actually are the Dr. Pepper of Morons.

“If it’s a legitimate rape…?” These five words alone blow my mind. If…legitimate… Congressman, can you please define “illegitimate” rape? I honestly don’t know his answer, but I’d guess – and it’s just a guess – he might go beyond the deplorable false accusations that some people make. I’m guessing -only guessing – he doesn’t think there’s really such a thing as marital rape, or date rape. So, ipso facto, if a woman is pregnant, and says she was raped… she’s lying.

Or she liked it.

Because, according to the doctors this guy’s been talking to, there’s some sort of magical force-field that goes up in a woman’s body when she doesn’t… what?… at least marginally tolerate what’s happening to her.

“But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something.” Oh, yes, let’s. Let’s assume, you know, for the sake of argument, just to play devil’s advocate, that the magical force-field of conception prevention in the case of legitimate rape is on the fritz. That the flux capacitor has stopped fluxing. Let’s assume that for now.

I’m just going to say it. Normally I’m all about showing respect for elected leaders whether we agree with them or not, but in this case, I don’t think that personal rule need apply, so I’m going to say it: You, sir, are a fucktard.

There’s really not a better word for it. No, really. Think about it for a few minutes. I thought about it for hours, and I couldn’t come up with a better word for it.

And why do you suppose this 65-year-old man thinks this is how reproduction works? Because babies can only come from love? Because his mommy told him that, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they share a special hug, and that’s where babies come from?

Clearly that’s it.

Hours after the interview was released, Rep. Akin issued a statement.

Ready?

“In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it’s clear that I misspoke in this interview, and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of women who are raped and abused every year.”

He misspoke. In his off-the-cuff remarks. Because his idiocy is merely the result of extemporaneous speech.

And clearly he holds very deep empathy for rape victims. If it’s legitimate.

And what he really meant to say was “Please pass the salt.”

I know how he feels. I hate it when I misspeak and say, “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, if you have a heart attack but you don’t really want to die, it’ll go away,” when what I really mean is, “Heart attack symptoms are very serious and require immediate medical attention.”

Hey, Missourians. Is this a “legitimate” candidate?

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32 thoughts on “Awe-Inspiring. Not In A Good Way.

  1. Thank you for this…I had the exact same reaction and train of thought (although I have to say I used a few more expletives). But I was too exhausted to write it out. A legitimate fucktard and douchebag.

    The Dr. Pepper of Morons…my favorite of this whole piece.

  2. Not to quibble, but would it would be more like the flux capacitor had *started* fluxing? This guy just turned himself into a pinata, but your post is as brilliant as he is moronic. If I sat down to respond to such indecipherable stupidity … well, I wish I’d have written this. Well done, ma’am!

    • Thank you. I was only capable of doing it after about seven hours of ranting at friends and an hour of yelling out loud in my car alone. If this guy stays in the lead in the polls, if this guy gets elected to any office ever again, I think we should close Missouri.

  3. I can’t manage any outrage anymore when I hear things like this. I feel genuine amazement that someone could reach such a level of power and success while harboring such crazy ideas and having no idea how nuts they sound.

  4. Absolutely, unbelieveably, incredibly beyond rational comprehension. How do idiots like this get elected?? It can only be… because the electors are idiots too. It brings to mind Mark Twains’s quote: “Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

    • I agree with you. But I’m hoping that, although those who elected him six times to the House might have been a brand of conservative I don’t espouse, they at least didn’t know how he thought babies were – and were not – made, I’m hoping.

  5. I know how he feels. I hate it when I misspeak and say, “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, if you have a heart attack but you don’t really want to die, it’ll go away,” when what I really mean is, “Heart attack symptoms are very serious and require immediate medical attention.”

    Bravo!

  6. I was wondering what that was all about (I don’t have tv or read the paper or listen to the radio, and I usually just get bits and pieces of stuff). I can only hope he meant “not a false accusation”, but I doubt if that’s the case. In general, I tend to think that people are just crazy.

    • The question is: will people still vote for him? Will people still trust him to make major decisions of national importance including, but not limited to, crime and punishment, women’s health, etc?

  7. Well, you’ve gone and done it. Between your Freshly Pressed masterpiece and this post, you’ve led me to post something mildly political, hopefully non-partisan. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

  8. Pingback: Sometimes Stupid « Older Eyes

  9. Pingback: In Which I Have (Almost) No Real New Things To Say | thesinglecell

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