For Planning Purposes, Vis-A-Vis Your True Love

It’s entirely too early for this, since the 12 Days of Christmas don’t actually begin until Christmas Day. But in case you were saving up or trying to budget, I thought I’d share a little financial info with you. The 12 Days of Christmas Gifts? Are freaking expensive.

The folks at PNC Wealth Management, having, evidently, absolutely nothing else to do despite this cliff we seem to be hovering over, have worked out how much the 12 Days of Christmas Gifts would cost.

Hint: Your kids can’t go to college anymore.

First, the partridge. Pear trees don’t automatically come with partridges, you know, so you’ll have to fork over $15 for the bird. And then $190 for the tree.

Then there are the turtle doves. By the way, does anyone know what a turtle dove is, as compared to a regular old dove? And why they’re called turtle doves? Do they pull their heads and legs into their bodies when they get skeeved? Anyway, they go for about $65 each.

The hens. Three of them, and French, s’il vous plait. They’re about $55 per bird, which makes them, surprisingly (since they’re French and all) cheaper than the turtle doves.

Now to the four calling birds. Why the hell did this song need so many damned birds? We’re looking at ten birds here, people. Ten birds of varying species, who may or may not even get along. This could be downright Hitchcockian in the end. Your true love winds up being Tippy Hedron.

Anyway, calling birds. I don’t know how they decided on this, but the calling birds in this scenario are canaries. Do you know how much a canary is?! AH canary is $105. Four of them? $520.

And we’ve killed so many in coal mines!

On to the five gold rings. Now, I don’t know the size of these here rings, because as I understand it, gold is presently $1,696.33. So these must be some really skimpy rings PNC Wealth is using, because the five of them only cost $750. By my calculations, that means each one of them weighs less than a tenth of an ounce.

Six geese, specifically a-laying. $210. Thirty-five bucks each. And more birds to crap all over your house. Plus they’re a-laying, so they’re about to multiply exponentially. I don’t think you have to pay for the chicks.

Seven swans, swimming. Again with the fowl. Swans are a grand each, and PNC doesn’t work up how much you’ll pay for whatever they’re swimming in. Also? Swans make a ton of noise, and they’re not pretty noises. They honk.

It’s a goddamned cacophony in the house at this point, and we’re just getting started.

Eight maids a-milking. Milking what? Goats? Cows? Themselves? Each other? I don’t understand. I also don’t understand PNC’s range for their prices, which they put at somewhere between $58 and $10,000. Not a typo. I’m more offended by the $58. Why would maids cheapen themselves so much? They’d be $7.25 each! That’s a fraction of the cost of one flippin’ bird! Is this minimum wage milking for exactly one hour?

Nine ladies dancing. Well, the cost of this depends rather obviously on what kind of dancing we’re talking about here, because any strip club patronizer might say, “Eh, throw a $20 at each of ’em, down your beer, call it a night.” But PNC figures the nine ladies would cost about $6,925, per performance.

Ten lords, hopping around and probably molesting the milk maids. They’re royalty, so that’s a pretty penny right there. $4,767 per ten, per performance.

Eleven pipers blowing it out their kazoos. (Does anybody have any Advil?) $2,430 per 11, per set.

Twelve drummers. Who the hell invited the damned drummers? One drummer isn’t enough?! $2,630 for the single night’s gig.

Now, if you take the song literally, the sender sends each gift on its given day, and then again each day after that. So by the time you’re done, you’ve got 12 partridges ($180), 12 pear trees ($2,280), 22 turtle doves ($1,430), 30 French hens ($1,650), 36 canaries ($3,744), 35 gold rings (by now weighing just a smidge over three ounces and having cost $5,250, but with a market value just under that), 48 gestating geese ($1,680) and 42 swans ($42,000), plus the 40 maids, who are apparently from Cambodia or something because they work for practically nothing and put up with entirely too many shenanigans from the lords. ($2,320).

That puts us at $60,534 over twelve days.

But we have to add in the performers. Thirty-six dancing ladies. Nine danced once, nine danced twice, nine got three nights, and nine got four. $69,500 total.

The lords: 10 played three sets, 10 played two, ten played one. $28,702.

The infernal pipers: one group for two concerts, one group for one. $7,290.

And the drummers who remind you why you never let your kid have a drum set: one gig. $2,630.

Hey, drummers. Make yourselves useful instead of just creating a ruckus. Gimme a drumroll.

Grand total for the 12 days: $168,656

Assuming the maids will go for the $58 deal, which I find totally discriminatory because they’re making way less than the pipers, drummers and lords (all of whom, I presume, are men) and way, way less than the sluts on the poles.

This does not include the cost of whatever it is the maids are milking, nor does it include the cost of clean-up, feeding, or the new house you might have to buy. I guess for feeding you could, theoretically, kill one set of birds a day and feed them to the performers, plus give them the milk from whatever it is the maids are milking… but you’d better hope these animals are all simpatico or it’s going to get ugly up in this piece.

By the time all of this is over and it’s the Epiphany, you’ve had one of your own: Your true love is a wackaloon with a set of seriously weird fetishes.

But he’s rich.

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10 thoughts on “For Planning Purposes, Vis-A-Vis Your True Love

  1. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard! OMG! Too priceless. Chanukah (or however you spell it) is SO much cheaper. The ‘gelt’ we give out is a tiny mesh bag of chocolate coins, covered in gold foil. And it only goes to the teensy kids. An absolute bargain. I expect conversions to Judaism to go up dramatically when folks get a lot of your post.

  2. This is TOO fUNNY! Hilarious. Your true love is a wakaloon. But he’s loaded… or was, until he wasted all that money on all those birds :)! Also, super classy guy buys his true love some strippers? awesome 🙂

    • Yeah, but I love it. I just finished decorating my tree, which I bought in the dark and dragged into my house with the help of a random person who was walking by with his dog (named Jack…shockingly – the dog, not the person) as I dragged said tree out of the trunk of my Accord. (Yes. Accords will accomodate full-sized Christmas trees. Fact.) Now I’m sitting here sipping a glass of red, with all the lights off… just the tree, the random strand of lights I used to decorate the television, and the lights adorning the area of the Nativity scene glowing. Oh, and the TV. The warm glow of the Vizio 42″ flat-screen. Yes, I know, you don’t have a TV. Which means you are NOT watching “You’ve Got Mail” like I am.

      But I haven’t started shopping yet.

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