I am in a fight with automatic flush toilets.
Why do we need these things? Are we really so lazy as not to be able to lift a finger (or a foot) to flush after we’ve managed to wipe? (I hope.) Information Overload Alert: I don’t always sit, okay? If I’m willing to work my quads for a squat, I think I can handle the minimal effort required to dispose of the contents of the bowl.
Here’s my problem: they flush at the wrong times.
Say you’re sitting – or squatting – or taking a wide stance like former Senator Larry Craig. And for no real reason other than a possibly small, save-you-from-a-fall-or-from-peeing-on-the-seat shift of weight, the damned toilet erupts like a whirlpool. This is powerful momentum, y’all. You get splashed.
I’m not even kidding. You get splashed. I can’t figure out, from an engineering perspective, why the function that is meant to draw all bowl contents down somehow manages to propel a good portion of it up. At your ass.
That doesn’t happen when you flush the thing yourself.
Worse yet: this happens before you’re finished. Sometimes before you’ve even started.
And then you know what happens?
It doesn’t flush when you’re done.
So now you’ve gone and relieved yourself, gotten your backside bathed against its will and become That Person who leaves the stall with your DNA still populating the porcelain.
And don’t think you can trigger it to flush somehow when it really matters, like you can sometimes manage to get an automatic sink faucet or towel dispenser to work if you wave at it just right, stand on one leg and turn around. You can’t. I’ve tried several times. The toilets at work are automated. At least three times in the last month, I’ve gotten an unwarranted ass-bath and then done some sort of ridiculous dance in front of whatever sensor there might be (I still can’t find it) to try to trip the mechanism. Even duplicating your initial movements won’t do it. It’s completely unpredictable. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever encountered. Heaven forbid someone come into the bathroom and go doubling over to look for a stall not occupied by a pair of feet. They’re certain to see you doing some sort of Toilet Two-Step just to get the coast to clear.
It’s like they don’t want to be toilets. They want to be bidets.
Which I also do not enjoy.
And don’t try to tell me the automated toilet is meant to save water. It’s not possible. It doesn’t make any sense. A flush is a flush is a flush. No, in fact these sudden sprayers do nothing but waste water.
Get it? Waste water?
And there’s no solution. There’s no non-sensor version in a nearby stall. There’s no way to avoid this fickle flusher unless you spend an entire workday holding it in. Nope. You’re doomed to wag your backside around, lift a leg like a dog, flap your hands, shimmy and sway side-to-side, only to emerge flustered and red-faced to fight with the damned automatic faucet and squirt your pantleg with foam soap.
You know what? The woods and some carefully examined leaves.