Serenade, motherfucker. Or: On the Occasion Of Your Wedding

I’m slowly congealing a fantasy about showing up at Jack’s wedding reception and blowing the doors off the place.

Metaphorical doors, since I imagine it will be outside. I don’t know why I imagine that, but I do. He’s not one for showiness, and it’s hard to find an indoor venue that doesn’t fairly smack of showiness, even in tasteful settings. I don’t know exactly what I would do, but I’m pretty sure it would involve a mic drop immediately followed by – in a graceful fit of vengeance I got from my gay-bor Steve the other night when he was telling an interminably long but hilarious story about how he was cock-blocked at every turn one summer by a particular Asian doctor – the single-motion swiping clear of every finger sandwich from the refreshments table on my way out.

It seems I’ve made it to the Passive-Aggressively Bitchy Stage of Loss/Grief.

Do you ever get pissed off at yourself for not being over something that happened, let’s say, four to 18 months ago? Yeah. Me too.

But how bad-ass would that be, for me to show up at wherever this bullshit joke is taking place (poor Gwyneth – no idea) and somehow pull off with class and grace and aplomb a giant Fuck You? “And although there’s pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a fuck you…”

Cee-Lo Green is a damned poet.

I feel like I would need to channel Audrey Hepburn instead, though. But singing. I just Googled “song about a guy getting what he deserves” to figure out what I could sing at the tasteful reception that could end in a mic drop and the spectacular hoarding of crustless watercress-prosciutto-and-cucumber nibbles. And then I tried “song about guy who cheated getting divorced.” That brought up, I shit you not, 75 country songs. 

I hate country. And I can’t do a mic drop after “Friends In Low Places.” Also I’m now irrationally angry at Tracy Byrd for recording a song called “Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman.” Predictably, it ends with Tracy in the woman’s bed.

Someone send Cee-Lo over to Tracy Byrd’s house.

(Pause for image of miniature Tyrannosaurus Rex trying to throw punches at a doofus in a ten-gallon hat.)

(That’s funny ’cause Cee-Lo has weirdly short arms.)

Then I Googled “song about woman getting revenge,” and either there has never been such a thing or I’m starting to freak Google out, because the screen was blank.

Sara Bareilles has a song called “Sweet As Whole” that I find completely delightful and very singable and even kind of pretty, but it blames Gwyneth a little too much. Still, it would work with my voice.

Jack never heard me sing. In ten years he never once heard me. He had plenty of opportunities, always knew when and where I was doing it, but he never once showed up. Didn’t even ask, usually. One time he offered to pay for my voice lessons because I was stressed out about a vocal problem I was having and about being able to afford the lessons. He said it would mean a lot to him if I let him foot the bill. Which I, of course, refused to allow because no one else should have to spend $200 a month on a voice they never care to hear.

Huh. Not even once.

What do we think of Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again”?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVYesEpMr84

Yeah. That’s the one.

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8 thoughts on “Serenade, motherfucker. Or: On the Occasion Of Your Wedding

  1. I hadn’t heard of Sara Bareilles until this post – love her voice and love this song. I can see where it would be fun to sing, but I agree that it is a bit harsh on Gwyneth who is clueless about events leading up to their engagement.

    Side note: have you watched “The Mindy Project?” I haven’t, other than the first episode or two and the first episode has your scene in it… the ex schooling everyone during a reception toast, then doing a mic drop. Check it out.

    And note that she then gets drunk and rides away on a bike, ending up in a swimming pool. (Just as a preventative story… or a tip. You choose.)

    • Dammit. Someone else has already done this? Gah. No, I’ve never seen that show. Mindy Kaling kind of annoys me with her “I’m so cute and not-perfectly-sized” thing. I don’t know why. Probably I’m just a terrible person. Fortunately, however, I do not know where this nonsense event is occurring. Might not even be in town. And I would never ride a bicycle in a dress. (I’d be wearing a dress.)

      • Right. She annoys me too. Mainly her voice and ditz thing, which is why I can’t watch the show. But someone convinced me to watch the first episode and — it made me feel like (if nothing else) I can handle my wine well. Maybe you should watch the first seven minutes of the pilot for inspiration?

  2. Late arrival to the party. My fucking son-in-law assaulted my daughter and was arrested. Now he’s suing for divorce. Men … all except for me … suck. The Kelly Clarkson song is perfect, although I’m not a fan. I wish my blog was anonymous so I could rip my son-in-law a new one. Can I use yours? The good thing is my daughter will be rid of him, although it will be painful. The same goes for you and what’s-his-name.

    • Bud, I am so terribly sorry about what happened with Amy and her husband. But if you want to do a guest post about it, if you feel that would help at all, by all means, my blog is open to you.

  3. That song is perfection.

    Although, there ARE a ton of woman scorned and take revenge songs. They are mostly country. Here’s one that’s less about revenge and more about . . . well, sort of what you are dealing with in a way. It’s Kellie Pickler (and that skank Taylor Swift is in the vid, apparently), but if you can get past that and listen to the lyrics? Yeah. That. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLUvO8QUmXc

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