In Soviet Russia, Lucky Get YOU

This is a thing that really actually happened and I can’t embed it as a video because I’m seriously not upgrading my WP account for that, but you have to watch it, HAVE TO WATCH IT, both because it will make your life better and because you won’t understand this post if you don’t.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.
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OMFG, right?! Can you even breathe right now? Do I need to call someone?

This is my favorite thing now. When I first stumbled across it (posted on Facebook by a more-than-slightly-weird young opera singer I know), I thought it couldn’t possibly be real. I thought it was a spoof. Like Fred Armisen had returned to SNL and was doing a brilliant skit. But then I realized that the source for this was the NBC Olympics website, and if you want to talk about harsh punishment for minor crimes, I can tell you that NBC is as close to the Russian Police as you can get when it comes to sharing their Olympic content anywhere else. This clip does not exist in full anywhere but on that site. It cannot be YouTubed or embedded on another source or Vladimir Putin’s American cousin Lenny will come to your house and break you like a little bird.

I have watched it about five times now, and though the NBC Olympic site will not allow for frivolity, the comments on Gawker and Deadspin are nothing short of brilliant. And then I started watching it full-screen and discovered the choking, sobbing-with-laughter joy of interpreting the priceless facial expressions. And since the NBC Olympics site will not allow for frivolity (you gotta wonder who’s worse, Putin or NBC Olympics President Gary Zenkel), I have wasted a great deal of the time I intended for doing my taxes and cleaning on making screen-grabs and accompanying thought bubbles. And then I cocked that whole operation up because I’m not that good at stuff like that, so you’re going to have to be okay with just pictures and captions.

"I am sorry, Mother. Please, no shoot while on TV, ok? Mother watches."

“I am sorry, Mother.
Please, no shoot while on TV, ok? Mother watches.”

(Guy on left actually WAS up all  night, actually DID get lucky.)

(Guy on left actually WAS up all night, actually DID get lucky.)

"Maybe American talent scout sees me, gives me part as handsome, brooding bad guy, eh?"

“Maybe American talent scout sees me, gives me part as handsome, brooding bad guy, eh?”

"Goddamned Apple Maps. How the hell did I wind up in Russia?!"

“Goddamned Apple Maps. How the hell did I wind up in Russia?!”

"Old Russia NEVER do this. Everybody think Putin sooo scaarrrry. Bah. Stalin! Stalin scary."

“Old Russia NEVER do this. Everybody think Putin sooo scaarrrry. Bah. Stalin! Stalin scary.”

"Oooh! Heehee! You see what he just did with his hips? Wowee."

“Oooh! Heehee! You see what he just did with his hips? Wowee.”

"Finally... I am STAR!"

“Finally… I am STAR!”

"Please, no shoot. I do good job. Look! I dance for you."

“Please, no shoot. I do good job. Look! I dance for you.”

     -"Oh my God. You see that? Shit." -"I saw, I saw. Act natural. "Shit."

-“Oh my God. You see that? Shit.”
-“I saw, I saw. Act natural…Shit.”

-"This is best day of my life. Better than day I got out of gulag. Better than day I fight bear. I am STAR!"           -"I hate this guy. Guy is... how you say? ...Douchey."

-“This is best day of my life. Better than day I got out of gulag. Better than day I fight bear. I am STAR!”
-“I hate this guy. Guy is… how you say? …Douchey.”

As Sochi's mayor said, there are no gay people in his town. So these guys had to be brought in from St. Petersburg.

As Sochi’s mayor said, there are no gay people in his town. So these guys had to be brought in from St. Petersburg.

This sweet old man isn't even a member of the Russian Police. They covered his head with burlap, dragged him in off the street and trussed him up to make their group look more "perestroika-y."

This sweet old man isn’t even a member of the Russian Police. They covered his head with burlap, dragged him in off the street and trussed him up to make their group look more “perestroika-y.”

"Anybody notice yet I no sing at all?"

“Anybody notice yet I no sing at all?”

"Oh, God. Is Kalashnikov rifle..."

“Oh, God. Is Kalashnikov rifle…”

"Wait, THAT guy is star? Where is polonium?!"

“Wait, THAT guy is star? Where is polonium?!”

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13 thoughts on “In Soviet Russia, Lucky Get YOU

    • It’s just so… Russian. And ironic. And terrifying. Ruska-terifika. Seriously, hit up Gawker and Deadspin and read the comments (tutorial in case you don’t use these sites: if you see double-sided arrows, it means there are replies to the comment you’re seeing). Pee first, though.

  1. Ha! Your reaction is pretty much Alan’s verbatim. When they started to sing, he said, “Oh. My. Effing. Gawd.” and kept looking at me like, “You’re seeing this, right?” Then he started using his key commands to do screen shots of the singers. Then he said, “And they claim there are no gay men in Sochi? This performance begs to differ.”

    Brilliant move with the caption contest.

    • I do wish I’d not cocked up the thought bubble operation. But the captions accomplished mostly the same thing. Man… I SHOULD have done a contest! I should have thrown one last image in at the end and invited suggestions.

  2. HO. LY. SHIT!! That was the best thing I’ve seen all week! I am in heaven right now. Thank you for this. The faces. Oh, the faces. Although, the one singer was so distracting because he looks EXACTLY like a guy I went to high school with. His name was Doug. Maybe he defected . . . TO Russia? To be a singing sensation?

    Seriously, though. I love this. LOVE.

    • Glad to make your week. Clearly your high school acquaintance has made some unfortunate life choices. Which one is he? And why didn’t he know better than to defect to Russia? Wait… did you go to school with Edward Snowden?

  3. I watched this while I was in Arizona for my grandson’s birthday but, as usual, when we’re there time is limited for blogging. I may have over committed with Postaday again. The video was hysterical and your captions are great.

    • Glad you got a laugh! Hope you didn’t have to explain to the kids! “Well, you see… back in the ’80s, long before you were born… and then even before that, going way, way back…and let’s not discuss what the song means…”

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