Random WTFs including why Pinterest is the devil

Couple things.

Someone wound up on my blog because they searched the entire internet for “images of men in england wearing speedos whoeing two inches…”

The ellipsis was included in the search terms in my dashboard, but I couldn’t find out what it represents. I can only assume it means the search was still more detailed than it appeared.

I literally have no idea why they landed here after searching that. I have never written anything about men in England. I don’t think I’ve ever written anything about Speedos, mostly because I’d like to pretend they’re not real. I don’t know what “whoeing” is. And “two inches”… I don’t even want to think about what that could mean, corresponding to the Speedos.  Usually people land here because they Google plastic surgery and I wrote ah post about that that seems to have been SEO optimized while I wasn’t looking.

(Click here and watch til about :55 seconds in to find out where I got my tendency to say ah instead of “a.”)

Also: got a 95% on the first official research paper I’ve written in nigh on 15 years. An arbitrary 95%, wherein no specific reason for subtracted points was noted. Fine. I don’t care. Ninety-five percent on the first research paper I’ve written in nigh on 15 years. I will take that. I will take it and I will like it. Because grad school.

But here’s the main reason I’m posting right now. I’m posting right now to ask all the mothers of young children to stop consulting Pinterest for stuff. You people are going to drive yourselves insane.

Shiny New Niece turned one a few weeks ago, and Youngest Neph turned four last week. They have the same mother: Sister 2. And she loves theme parties.

You see where this is going.

I can’t post the pictures of the stuff she did because the person who searched for men in England wearing Speedos and whoeing two inches would probably be able to figure out who she is if I did that… but suffice it to say she lost her damn mind.

I will say this. I will say Google “Pinterest Octonaut party” and you will get just a vague idea of the madness involved in this two-hour birthday party for a four-year-old.

I’m talking about marshmallows covered in just-the-right-shade-of-blue frosting, their bottoms rolled meticulously in graham cracker crumbs intended to look like sand, with tiny pearl candies to look like bubbles stuck strategically about, and little Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers stuck to the sides.

I’m talking about a not-insignificant amount of the dwindling supply of helium packed into balloons of varying blue shades, covering the ceiling to make it look like the attendees were under water.

I’m talking about Rice Krispie treats rolled in Gummi Worms and masquerading as sushi.

I want you to know that I actually Googled images of those things, found them, inserted the pictures into my blog post and then deleted them, because I don’t want to drive traffic to Pinterest to encourage this kind of insanity.

Today on Facebook I saw a Pinterest picture of little Teddy Grahams, cut just so, appearing to drive cars made from bite-sized candy bars with mini M&Ms stuck to their sides as wheels.

You guys.

Stop trying to impress the other moms.

Look—I get it. It’s fun. It’s a challenge. It makes you feel like you can really do something when you attempt something like this and it turns out well and everyone marvels at it. But mostly, you’re making people wonder how you have so much free time to do this kind of crap for the sake of a four-year-old’s birthday party. 

What happened to cone-shaped cardboard hats with pinchy rubber bands under the chin and some boxed cake mix?

Why are you doing this to yourselves?

As is well documented here, I am not a mom. I suppose I arguably have never loved another human being with such ferocity that I felt the need to put this much effort into something that was going to last two hours and get destroyed or thrown away. I appreciate the art of well-crafted meals as much as anybody, and I love to entertain. But they’re kids. They really don’t need all this stuff.

Do you?

Really?

Who is it for, really? Why stress yourself out? Isn’t there enough to worry about without pulling your hair out over algae-inspired guacamole?

Your mothers and aunts, by the way, resent this stuff. They think you spend too much money and too much time making them look bad for the parties they threw for you when you were a kid.

Give yourself a break. Give Pinterest a break. Give all the other moms a break.

Failing all of that, give me a break and don’t post the pictures of your attempts at wee children’s party favors on social media.

Unless they look like this.

pinterest fail

 

 

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Random WTFs including why Pinterest is the devil

  1. Big congratulations on your 95%!! I get people who google bizzaro things as well — yesterday someone landed on my blog after googling crazy animal sex zoos or something to that effect. i suppose a monkey could wear a speedo. . I totally agree about the kids’ parties. I went to a similar extravaganza last September. Pure insanity. I started to hyperventilate just thinking of how many hours and days and weeks and nights and weekends it took the mom. All the kids really wanted was a hot dog, some cake and ice cream and to run through the sprinklers. And then to barf as a result of too much of everything including excitement. It IS all mother one-up-man-ship. To hell with that shit!! Yeah, bah humbug I’m single and childless too and I think it is too much ado about a kid’s party.

  2. THANK YOU for the much needed laugh tonight. It’s been the kind of stressful day where, when even after hearing a guy perform all of Lara’s theme from Dr. Zhivago on an accordion live, it’s still stressful, and you just have to laugh.
    I was going to ask you what whoeing is, if maybe it was a British term, but thanks for clearing up that it is, in fact a mystery. Even if an r is added, the sentence doesn’t make any more sense.
    Thanks for sharing! Also, my cookie monster cupcakes would definitely look like the bottom picture. 🙂

  3. Yes, congratulations on the 95% on your paper! You’re better than you thought. I totally love the Cookie Monster cupcake photo. OMG… laughing myself silly. I raised two kids who are now adults in their 20s and I never did that fancy birthday party thing and neither did the parents of my kids’ friends, so there was no one-upping each other, thankfully. I think it was a different era then and not out of control like it is today. My son’s birthday is in the summer, so I would put out a slip-n-slide and fill water balloons and hand out water guns (Are guns of any type, including water, now a no-no? Probably). Then they would all have pizza and cake and go home. My daughter’s birthday is in December, so we usually did craft parties, the supplies for which I bought at AC Moore. I covered the kitchen table with newspaper and let them have at it. This was followed by pizza and cake and they went home. Also, my kids’ parties were always small with a limited number of guests. There is this common notion nowadays that every single kid from the birthday child’s class has to be invited so poor little Johnny won’t feel left out. What is this world coming to? My 6 year old nephew’s birthday is a few days before Christmas and one of his parents is Jewish and one is Christian. So, he gets Hanukkah AND Christmas gifts from his parents and relatives, AND birthday gifts from his parents and family AND he has one of those aforementioned huge parties with his entire class held at a local pizza place with a hired clown or balloon artist AND gets even more gifts (at least 20). Maybe it’s working mother’s guilt and overcompensation? I was a working mother, but I guess I lacked the overcompensation gene.

    • Sounds like, at the time, you went all out for parties! I remember I had a bowling party when I turned ten. And I remember Chuck E. Cheese/Showbiz Pizza. That’s pretty much all. But I do actually think this situation has a lot to do with the fact that everyone’s got a camera in their pocket and can post pictures online. Back in the day, you had to get the film developed and the only way people saw the pictures of the party was if they looked through your photo albums.

  4. I have never once attempted to create something from Pinterest. I don’t even visit. Who has time for that crap? The most I do for my kids’ parties is call a jump around center or batting cage place and give the place money for my kids to run around for 2 hours. Then I buy a cake from Safeway. Done. Then again, I’ve never been crafty. My cupcakes would totally look like those ones above. Not every mom is trying to impress. Then again, maybe I’m just lazy. I’m ok with that.

  5. Oh, HELL yeah! It’s only vaguely about showing how much you love your munchkin: it’s mainly about avoiding the condescending looks of the other, uber-achieving mommies.

    Grats on the paper – I couldn’t even remember HOW to write an actual paper after 30 years.

    • Believe me, Peg-O, I’m struggling to remember. First redeeming memory: “Oh, WAIT. I don’t have to actually READ 15 scholarly research articles for this. I just have to find ONE SENTENCE in them to use and cite.” Loved that moment.

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