A New Beginning

So much has happened.

It was a year that both raced and plodded, with highs I hadn’t felt in ages and lows I hope to never feel again. I don’t suppose the generalities defy custom; I made new friends, lost track of old ones, and watched a dear one leave the world too soon. My heart expanded to welcome a new niece and tightened to finally evict an old love. In some ways, ghosts were finally released. Realizations dawned. Struggles tested. Worries became realities. Romances bloomed and withered. Academia endured. Challenges forced refinement of character, and frustrations—sometimes unrelenting—revealed new understandings. Things I thought I knew either shifted or turned out to have been different all along. Tears came more easily. Life’s mess and complication insisted on winning the day.

For a woman so keen on protection, it was a year of exposure and rawness, of ache at the slightest touch and ecstasy at unexpected provocation. It was a coming out, a time of permissions, of letting feelings surface and learning lessons that I hope will lead to greater grace.

I missed writing. I missed connecting at the soul with people whose faces I had never seen but whose hearts I felt I knew well. But occupation and obligation rarely relented, and when they did, I found my musings so muddled, so tangled, so exhausted or so banal that words were either insufficient or grandiloquent, that to reach for them would have seemed an injustice to their spirit. I wanted to write, but I wanted to rest my mind more.

This post is not a new year’s resolution; I don’t believe in those for their own sake. It is not a clarion herald. It is not a promise to anyone—not even myself. It is simply an acknowledgment of sorts, head bowed, thoughts clouded, that I have been away for a long time, and that I have ached to connect again. The shape things take from here is uncertain. There are ideas, but there is no plan. There are only my fingers on the keyboard and my thoughts on the screen, taking shape in letters after a year full of blurry lines.

Hello again.

19 thoughts on “A New Beginning

  1. OMG I conjured you, I swear! Just yesterday (honest) your blog (and you) popped into my consciousness. Why then, I do not know. Well now I do because here you are. Welcome back. Yes, yes I know, you’re not making any promises. Welcome back anyway. It’s a pleasure to read one of your posts again. And happy New Year.

    • Thank you, Fransi. Maybe there was an energy thing happening. I can honestly say I didn’t intend to post anything until an hour before I posted this. Thank you for thinking of me!

  2. Maybe it was a day for wondering where favorite bloggers made off to, for I was also thinking about you. I’ve been away, too. Mostly health issues and working 2 jobs (by choice – not necessity). I’ve missed writing, and reading blogs, and my muddled and medicated brain doesn’t want to work. I’m trying some short stories, fiction, to get back in to the groove.

    So great to see you.

    • Hello, K8 – I was looking at your blog the other day, too. I was sorry to see you’d had another surgery and I hope you’re recovering as well as you possibly can. Do write. We need it. It’s lifeblood. It’s wonderful to see you, too.

      • While I was crafting my story, I could not believe how incredible it felt, how “right” it seemed that thoughts went to fingers and words went to the screen. It felt both familiar and strange at the same time.

        I love West wing as well. It’s like a warm blanket for your brain.

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