Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to thank you for flying with us today. Before we take off, we have a few things to go over. This isn’t your usual cautionary spiel, so listen up and allow us to serve you better!
Please take a look under the seat in front of you. Your feet are there. They are probably ugly. But feet, however icky, are necessary evils. Ladies, please do try to help them out with pretty polish. Yes, it will attract attention to your tootsies, but it will also help if it seems like you’ve at least tried to make them more visually appealing. Pretty polish balances nasty feet. We can all use a touch of color! It’s also a great disguise if you have dirty nails, which is gross, and no one wants to look at that.
Gentlemen: if you are wearing sandals or flip-flops, please make sure this is the last time you do it. Guys, you know you don’t take care of your feet. The nails are ragged and uneven, the heels are calloused and blackened, so please, cover them up. If you think wearing socks with your sandals is a convenient and comfy solution, you are wrong. Thank you for sparing us the sight, but now you look like a total dork. Being able to easily remove them at the security checkpoint is not a good reason for wearing mandals. There are no good reasons for wearing mandals.
Runners: if you’ve got a black or missing nail, please follow the guidelines I’ve just outlined for the men.
Please direct your attention now to the overhead compartment. Items may shift during flight. Please adjust your fashion sense along with them. If you weigh more than 200 pounds and you are not 6’2”, do not wear tank tops. Ever. During our flight, you’ll be able to look out your window at the Grand Canyon. If your cleavage resembles it, you’re banned from wearing tank tops, too. If you’re a man, you should never wear tank tops under any circumstances, and this is doubly true if you have hair anywhere other than your head, chest, arms and legs.
It’s important to maintain good circulation in your legs. If yours are a mottled mess of varicose veins, bruises, cellulite to your knees and festering wounds, please wear pants or skirts that will cover them.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, the lack of oxygen could be an explanation for wearing spandex. It is the only explanation if you have any figure flaws. We’re not saying we’re better people than you; we’re just saying no one wants to see that.
Wait. Actually, we are better people than you. Your flight crew weighs 100 pounds less than you and you don’t see them wearing spandex. Get it together.
Some travelers with us today may believe that tighter clothing has a slimming effect. They feel like if they wear something looser or cut to hide flaws, they look bigger. However, we do not have sausage on the plane, so if you look like one, you shouldn’t be here.
Tube tops. Nix them. You could be the hottest thing to walk the planet; we don’t care. You look ridiculous.
Ladies: scrunchies may be used in the lavatory, while washing your face, but that is all. Same with banana clips.
Men: if you managed to get through security with your socks pulled up to maximum calf/knee height and you’re wearing shorts, but are not in a full-on soccer uniform, we don’t know how you got on this plane. If you have excess baggage in your midsection, please know that, unlike your seatbelt, your regular belt should not be fastened low and tight around your crotch. Fix it.
Your life vest is under your seat. Please notice how silly this flight attendant looks while wearing it. Some clothing designers make dress shirts with short sleeves. They look silly, too. Don’t buy them.
This concludes our advisory. We know you have a choice. Thank you for flying Self-Awareness Airlines.